Afternoon Tea with Lord Voldemort
by Greasy Slimeballs
Summary: [one shot] To Harry and Co.: Welcome to the Tea Party of Lord Voldemort, but would rather be called Tom. Meet us on Saturday for a tea party with Umbridge, Peter, Bellatrix, and...me! A story that's filled with humor and pure idiocy.


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It's exactly 1:48 in the morning and I can't go to bed. I'm trying to think up of ideas for my other stories, but let me tell you, I'm on MAJOR writer's block. So I decided to make up a story about Voldemort and tea with Harry Potter and co. You can see that I'm suffering major writer's block. I need a cure…so help.

Title: Afternoon Tea with Lord Voldemort

Rating: PG

Genre: Humor/Parody

Summary: To Harry and Co.: Welcome to the Tea Party of Lord Voldemort, but would rather be called Tom. Meet us on Saturday for a tea party with Umbridge, Peter, Bellatrix, and…me! A story that's filled with humor and pure idiocy.

Warning: Complete idiocy is ahead of you. I'm forewarning you because if you're one of those freakos who has to have a story in character, then I'm afraid to disappoint you and inform you that this isn't your cup of tea. But if idiocy entertains you, then read ahead.

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Dear Harry and Co.,

How are you doing? It has been a long time since we have chatted. How is Hermione and Ron doing? I'm so sorry about the Prophecy and what you have to go through. So how about we talk about it over a cup of tea?

Meet me at Hagrid's hut at 5:00 PM, today, which is Saturday. He let me use his hut, he's such a good man. I'll be bringing along Peter Pettigrew, so that our tea party will be a little bit livelier. Oh and do bring Hermione and Ron. They're such a pleasure to talk to.

Yours Truly,

Lord Voldemort

aka: Tom Riddle

…and Peter Pettigrew

aka: Wormtail

Harry folded up the letter and put it in his coat pocket. He smiled a genuine smile and looked at Ron and Hermione who were smiling too. It was another cool autumn day and their cheeks were flushed from the cold.

"I think it's a lovely idea. What do you think Ron?" asked Hermione.

"To get acquainted with Voldemort?" queried Ron.

Hermione nodded her head fervently. "Certainly," agreed Ron. "I always admired that ol' chap."

"Me too and to think that that man was evil at one point in his life. The idea is just ludicrous. I wish people would stop being racist and understand that Lord Voldemort is a good man inside," explained Harry.

"Well we don't have much time," said Hermione quickly. "It's 4:45 already and I think we should get in our nice robes. After all, we do want to impress Lord Voldemort."

"Indeed!" exclaimed Ron.

After ten minutes, the golden trio was dressed in their fanciest robes. Hermione was wearing a lavender robe that was similar to the robe that she wore to the Christmas Ball last year. Ron, like always, was wearing a second-hand robe from his brother. Harry had bought a new robe a week ago from _Casual & Formal Robes Co._.

They left the large castle and quickly headed toward Hagrid's hut. When they got to his hut, they knocked on the door. Hagrid opened the door and he enveloped them a rather big hug.

"Greetings my fellow friends," said a voice from behind them. "It's so good to see you."

"Lord Voldemort!" they shrieked. He too, enveloped them in a hug and gave Hermione a kiss on the cheek. She grinned at this--she had always was infatuated with the great Lord Voldemort. He was _rather _cute, if you got past his dark cloak.

"How are you my dears?" questioned Tom Riddle.

"We're wonderful Voldemort," shrieked Hermione, who was rather exuberant at seeing Voldemort.

"Hermione, please, call me Tom. Voldemort is such a _vulgar _name. I'm not vulgar. It almost seems as if I'm the bad guy and I don't want to be the bad guy. Just think of me as an innocent sheep," theorized Tom.

"I will Tom," grinned Hermione.

"Now that we've that taken care of, I think it's time for some tea!" exclaimed Tom. "Hagrid is the tea and scones ready?"

"It's 'bout ready."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Tom were all gathered around the furnished table. There was scones, cookies, tea sandwiches spread across the table. It looked so delicious that all of them could have eaten it right then. But, thankfully, they had enough restraint on themselves to not eat.

"Tea's eh ready," announced Hagrid as he laid the tea kettle on the wood. (A/N: Very idiotic of him, by the way.)

"Excellent!" said Tom as he poured Harry, Ron, Hermione, and then himself tea. "Now let's get to business."

They all nodded their heads fervently. "Now, I know we all have had a rough background, but I really think that we should start off on the same track. We can all have a fresh start. I think us being friends, is a splendid idea. What do you think of the idea Hagrid?"

"Splendid!" said Hagrid.

"I think it's a good idea too. What about you three?" asked Tom.

"I think it's one of your best ideas yet," smiled Hermione.

"Agreed," Harry said.

"Me too," added Ron.

"Now, tell me how has your life been?" asked Hermione.

"Oh dear, you do know that Dolores and I have now been dating for three years, but let me tell you something, she hasn't been very nice lately. She disapproved of me becoming friends with you. Imagine that! So, I broke up with her," sobbed Tom. "It was terrible, I miss her so much."

Hermione put a comforting hand on his arm. "There, there, don't cry. I bet there is someone else for you."

Tom's face brightened at this comment. "Really? You think I have a chance with another woman? Oh gee, I hope I do. What about Bellatrix?"

"I think she is a very suitable woman for you, Tom," explained Ron.

"I think so too," said Tom, dabbing his tears with a Kleenex. "Now Hermione, dear, do you want another scone?"

"Oh yes, I would love one," said Hermione, remembering her manners.

Just as Hermione was about to grab the scone the door opened. There standing, in the doorway, was Bellatrix with a grin on her face. Peter Pettigrew was standing by her. He was looking rather peachy, stubby, pale, etc.

"Bellatrix. You're here!" exclaimed Tom as he got up from his chair, nearly knocking it over. Harry, Ron, and Hermione smiled at her, completely forgetting that she was the one who had killed Sirius. Tom kissed her on both of the cheeks.

"I'm ever so sorry that I'm late, but I had to bring Peter along," explained Bellatrix.

"Apology accepted; now please join us for tea," commanded Tom, as Bellatrix and Peter sat down to drink their tea.

After everyone was situated in their seats, Tom was firing away questions to Harry and co. and Bellatrix. Hagrid was bustling to and fro, trying to get more and more tea ready since lots of people liked the tea. Hermione and Ron were grinning, but Harry was rather sad.

"Harry, sweetie, I haven't talked to you at all, since Tom here has been taking up all my attention. How are you doing?" asked Bellatrix.

"You killed my godfather, Sirius. Now, I don't have any family left," retorted Harry.

"That's not completely true," piped up Peter. "Bellatrix, explain to Harry about what we were talking about."

"Harry, dear, I'm so sorry that I killed him. I hate myself for killing my own flesh and blood. It pains me to think of the thought, but now, I have to let it go. Since I killed him, I have to do something for you. So, I adopted you. You are now Harry Lestrange. How does that sound?" asked Bellatrix.

"Are you going to be mother?" queried a bewildered Harry.

"If you don't want me to be, then I can cancel--"

"No," said Harry interrupting her, "I want you to be my mother. I need a mother and I think you'll be the perfect mother."

"Really?" asked a shocked Bellatrix. "Oh Harry, you don't know how much this means to me! HUG ME HARRY!"

"I LOVE YOU MOM!" cried Harry with tears of joy as he hugged his "new mother." "Promise me that you won't join the dark side."

"I promise son."

"Now that we have that out of the way," said Tom, "let's do the bra dance."

"How do you do that?" asked a puzzled Hagrid.

"I each have your bra size and we put it over our shirts and we shake our arses. Does that sound fun?"

"Yeah!" said everybody.

Tom thrust the bras at everybody and they all put it on. Then a song turned on and everybody started to shake their arses, like crazy.

"I love you guys! From now on, I will become good. Evil will not get in my way and the prophecy won't matter because Lord Voldemort (aka Tom) and Harry will be best friends…forever! This is the best tea party!" exclaimed Tom.

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That has got to be the stupid, most pointless story I've ever written. I might delete this story. It depends on how many reviews I get with flames…probably a lot.

Stares at computer, waiting for angry reviews.


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